I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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