So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she peed on how many people?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This is classic penis vs brain.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
