For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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