I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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