Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize