Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
