i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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