I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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