I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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