you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
