Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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