tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
