his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
