I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
