I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
