i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
whose parrot is this?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
