Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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