Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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