Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
