If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
