I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm having to shit out rocks
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