i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
