im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
