Someone shit on the floor
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize