we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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