matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
