I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
