margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
