this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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