did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
