Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I deserve this hangover.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
