apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
