So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
