I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
