He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
