I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
