We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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