So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
