I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
