Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
