I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
