This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
