You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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