i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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