I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
