Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
