God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
