I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
