i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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