Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
