His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize