Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
