Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
