I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
