so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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