I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
