Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
