I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
