I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
