dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
