I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
