It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
How external is "for external use only"?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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