i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
