had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize