So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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