You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
